If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
In America we eat man semen.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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