I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
