We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
