just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize