True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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