This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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