I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
i've created a new STD.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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