i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
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He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
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He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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