no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize