What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
