My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
