Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
