the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
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Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
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If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.