I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can