i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
