Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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