If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
