Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I believe in your delicious
Randomize
