just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
