I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
