Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my gift to your gina
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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