I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
