That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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