If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
