Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
