The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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