By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
