I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
