Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
