I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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