just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
