I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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