I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
