her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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