why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
