I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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