My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
