she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
