based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
