Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
