I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
