I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
how do flat chested girls get laid?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
