He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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