This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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