First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
