hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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