we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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