girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
