The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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