Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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