Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
