I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
