If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
