dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
