He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
