that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
