I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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