Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
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I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
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You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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