the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
