in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
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