the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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