so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
