I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
