the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He? As in you personified your dick?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
